Our Ectopic Loss

i haven't blogged since Emma was less than 4 months old and SO much has changed. this is by far the toughest post i have ever written but i need to get it out. share it somewhere. hope that maybe it will reach someone that has had a similar experience and they can know they aren't alone. by the time most people see this (due to my break from social media) i will be moving along in the healing process.

so..here we go..

Monday march 30th I pee on a stick and get a pretty big surprise at what i see. positive 5 days before missed. i call for re-enforcement- more sticks- more positives. i break the news to Riley in a less than ideal manner when he gets home at 11pm. my excitement grows. so does his shock. but we move on. tell our immediately family. start joking about twin boys. picking names. making plans.

fast forward exactly two weeks later.  happy  3rd anniversary to us! first one we get to spend "together"...I'm at work when i start bleeding a little. i burst into tears. call my doctor. must wait two hours. i let Riley know whats going on. he meets me at the OB. they bring us back to the ultrasound room. after what seemed like an eternity the tech said she didn't see anything but that doesn't mean anything yet.. I'm not a fool, i knew no matter what it wasn't good. tears return with a vengeance. doctor comes in to scan on her own. obviously another not good sign. she brings us back to a room where i am already inconsolable. the doctor tells me its an ectopic pregnancy... that my pregnancy is no longer viable. this is one of those things you read about but just assume it cant happen to you. she goes on to tell me it looks like the fetus is actually in my ovary, super rare even for ectopic pregnancies. they are immediately concerned with rupture and therefore I am admitted to the hospital at once. nothing is really processed yet, not even that my life is at risk. all i know is i am losing my baby. my heart is shattered into a thousand little pieces. my phone is dead so i cant even call my mom yet at this point. after an eternity .. or about 30 mins. i find myself in a room being monitored by the nurse from hell. we call her formaldehyde. heather has come to my rescue again to stay with me while Riley goes to pick up Emma and retrieve some basic belongings for me.

formaldehyde insists i need more blood drawn (though the doctor just did the about 45 minutes ago) and to start an iv.. which was never utilized. Riley returns with Emma and relieves heather for a bit who has so graciously agreed to spend the night so i wont be alone. Emma is although she doesn't act afraid is rather withdrawn from me and doesn't seem to care to be there. formaldehyde finally brings the Tylenol i kindly requested because 4 hours of crying has left me with an agonizing headache.

not long after they leave and before heather comes back, the night nurse (whom i love) comes in to tell me "the chemo nurses are here." now in the midst of my breakdown at the doctors office i heard her say they will treat me with methotrexate. i knew and was told nothing else about this. night nurse brings me a print out shortly before this time explaining what it was a set of injections, what it does and what the side effects are. still to this point no one and nothing has said ANYTHING about CHEMO!

i undoubtedly begin to have another breakdown.. chemo.. it was bad enough i knew what these injections were going to do.. but now this took it to a whole other level.. these two nurses.. were two of the sweetest ladies ever. one held my hand while the other administered an injection in each arm. the injections weren't bad at all in comparison to the hype of this all. but i hated knowing what it was doing to my body. i knew this  was what i needed to save my organs from rupture and potentially save my life but that didn't make it even the tiniest bit easier. so i cried some more. at this point i am now "toxic". yellow signs are plastered on my door saying to use full precautions. you must double glove and sport an extra gown to attend to me..

I am so thankful for heather and her company to keep my distracted. finally around midnight out of pure exhaustion i begin to fall asleep. cue incompetent MA who cannot figure out my blood pressure which after 3 repeated attempts of propping me up in various positions was reading about 85/57. naturally i think I'm dying. really i was dehydrating but why would they actually put my iv line to use and give me fluids. nah. this happens again at 4am and again at 7am. at which point i no longer try to sleep.

i was told i was being brought back to my ob, who is connected to the hospital, to get my follow up ultrasound, at 845/9. they finally bring me down at 930. i go in for the ultrasound.. alone..  i instantly start crying again. this ultrasound tech.. and i will never forgive her.. during this scan turns on the sound.. and i heard the baby's heartbeat. after a lethal dose of "chemo" they still heard what they referred to as "the flicker". now this experience in itself brings a level of emotional pain i wish on no one. this that one single moment. was a game changer. i never saw an image of the baby but i heard it. and i will NEVER forget it.  it also made my fear that the injections weren't working and i may need to have my whole ovary removed. the thought of that. i really cant explain the way it made me feel. but i am already fearing at this point i will never have another healthy pregnancy and never be able to complete my family.

at this point a new doctor comes in to talk to me. i cry alot but she makes me pull it together. she tells me the scar tissue, most likely from my lovely navy c-section has pushed my ovary and tube closer together and it was hard to see clearly. so my thought, though the never came out and said it to me at the time was that the tissue has caused my tube to basically be crushed not letting eggs out of the ovary. i ask about the future, she tells me not to worry "you still have another" (this post will be followed by one entitled 5 things not to say to a woman going though an ectopic pregnancy.) but. i can go home.


first i must sit out in the waiting room with all the happy pregnant people so that i can be returned to my stale hospital room via the labor and delivery unit. thanks fat man pushing my wheel chair.. back to formaldehyde. where is took my another 5 hours to finally be released. by this point i am emotionally and physically drained. i am thankful for Emma's Mimi who not only brought me home, let me shower, got us dinner, stayed till Emma went to bed and watched some greys with me. i contemplated work the next day but that just wasn't happening. i still couldn't face anyone. i couldn't discuss this out loud. i couldn't even bring myself to call my mom who i talked to every single day. i felt so empty and alone.

not until my follow up on Friday when they were able to confirm it was not in my ovary but actually in my tube did i feel some relief. i was finally able to reach out, to my mom at least and utter some of these words out loud. it didn't change my situation i was in but hearing her say this was a "fluke thing" and not caused by some unknown condition, i felt a little sense of relief.  i have a 90% chance of having a normal pregnancy next time. which i have to wait at least 3 months for. more than that for sure.

nothing can prepare you to deal with an ectopic pregnancy. nothing takes away the hurt. nothing anyone says can truly comfort you. nothing can really help you get over it except perhaps time. there will always be that empty little space in my heart for this baby. there will be many hard days especially when december rolls around and there is no round belly and christmas baby delivery.. but for now i will pray, read some books about dealing with losses and appreciate all i do have just a little bit more.

ANOTHER new chapter of our lives

Well now that my super sweet almost 4MONTH! old is soundly sleeping through the night (and in bed by 730), and since my housework is done for the day.. ok its not you know what i just need a break!! Anyways I decided to reflect a little on the past few months and share our latest news. Funny I always look forward to reading other mommy friends blogs and notice they dont always post that often, well clearly now I know why. I havent posted since Emmas one month birthday and She will be 4 months in 10 days.

Well to start with, at emmas two week appt, when she was 12 pounds and 23 in long the Doctors notice some slight potential she might have torticollis. i didnt think or notice much of it until a few weeks ago. it seems to have progressed. For those that dont know what that it, its a condition in babies where they favor turning there head to one side. it can cause flat head and his displasia (sp?) so I began getting nervous. We have an appt to meet with a doctor in 2 weeks.. (thanks government shut down, it took me 2 days just to get that and that was the best they could do..) But like any Momma, naturally im worried. I just want to be normal. I see other babies her age holding her head up so well and sitting in there bumbos and and she just cant yet :( I read up on it and Im doing what I can to help her and it does seem to be helping a little. She favors her right so Im trying to do alot to get her to look to her left or atleast straight ahead. My poor sweet baby!

Aside from that, Emma is doing just wonderful. She can hold her head up decently but it tilts to the side, but she is a littler chunker steadily gaining weight for sure! I get so sad she keeps outgrowing all her clothes and she has so many im lucky she can wear anything more than once! but I just love everything about her. Her eyes will just make you melt. She totally her her daddys eyes but aside from that she is looking more and more like me :) She started laughing a few weeks ago and when you hear it you cant help but smile and laugh too! Im working on getting a video. Also her grip has really strengthened. She can actually hold and play with her toys. She especially loves her spotty, 50 cent claw machine dragon from aunty jane and uncle and and sox the sock monkey from her aunty rachel. She has also gotten really good at grabbing my hair and yanking it. I just cannot wait for Riley to get home and meet her and fall in love with her just as i have. I swear she recognizes his voice from our skype dates.

I sadly have also gone back to work full time. I cried and cried at the thought of it but I know we can live alot more comfortably having the extra income and I can spoil my little princess alot more. I still fear missing any of her firsts and I often find myself at work just looking through all my pictures of her and missing her like crazy but it makes every other moment we spend together so much sweeter. And did I mention for once, things played out in my favor and I found the ABSOLUTE best babysitter on sittercity for military families. She is a retired Navy wife (her husband a retired chief, served 23 years), mother of 3 and grandmother of 2. Emma goes to her house and I just feel like I never have to worry. She sends me pictures of her and except for two half days where her grandson comes, Emma gets one on one care AND I only pay $125 a week! Yes thats $110 dollars a week cheaper then the cheapest daycare where babies literally lay on the floor all day. She is even making emmas halloween costume- the little mermaid and its so cute I could die!!!

so now my days go something like this"
6am wake up (unless emma decides sooner)
get ready for work
feed furbabies
pack lunches, bottles, diaper bag
nurse and change emma
715am drop emma off at daycare
8-4 workd
445pm pick emma up
5pm arive home in time to
nurse emma, feed furbabies,
make dinner, hopefully a little playtime or a walk with teddy
bath, book, bottle, bed by 7/730
then commence all the housework, laundry,
cleaning bottles, prepping lunch, clean, yardwork,
lucky if i can pump and shower and be in bed by 10
..this routine gets old and tiring very fast.. i would like my husband back..

okok im falling asleep here so the next new chapter, for which a titled this about, NO were not pregnant again (impossible and dear god no thank you!!!) Riley got new orders and it looks like we will be pcs'ing (permenant change of station) for the first time. Thats right folks we are off to point mugu california, right outside of malibu. He called me at 11pm at night to tell me when he found out. I think i cried for about 3 days straight once he told and (almost as much as I cried when i found out about bahrain) and some more for another week everytime I thought about it. Like everything else in our crazy hectic like Im reaching the point of acceptance and getting ready to go with the flow. It brings so much to do and I feel like I have even more on my already full plate with him being gone and it makes me wish I didnt start back to work but im working on my supermom skills. so in the words of I love Lucy "CALIFORNIA HERE WE COME" Still have lots to figure out and lots to plan but we have until July 2014 to figure it out. More to come on this later. time for me to finish what I gotta do and sleep a little before my alarm goes off!

The first Month

-Of Emma and the year long stretch of deployment-

Emma is officially one month old already. Time is flying by! While shes napping peacefully in her swing I wanted to write down her birth story.

Just 3 days after we dropped Riley off at the airport the early signs of labor showed their face on friday night. I called my mom and she booked a flight before she even got off the phone. So the next day by 10am she was here. The very impatient part of the waiting game began. We ran all the errands i could think of and did enough walking and more spicy food eating. Finally Sunday afternoon, fathers day I started having contractions. By sunday night they became pretty regular but i insisted on getting my brownie sundae from DQ for dinner before we went to the hospital to get checked. Well worth it. We got to the hospital probably around 830/9 that night. My contractions were 3-5 mins apart, but werent painful. I was only 2cm so they sent me home. The next day by mid afternoon I was having very painful contractions so back we went. They checked me again but I was only at 3 and they still wouldn't admit me as a cried in pain. instead the put me on a "morphine rest" aka they super drugged me up and sent me home with ambien. I was so out of it my speech was slurred and I could barely walk. We got home and I slept through the night. I took an ambien in the morning to help ease the pain and dozed off all morning again. By 6:45 that night, tuesday, my water finally broke. So back to the hospital we went and third times a charm. They admitted me, and by 930 I was getting the epidural. At this time they were predicting 7lb baby by 4am. By midnight they were starting the pitocin and actually had to break another bag of my water. But I was still progressing slowly. By 330 or so my epi was already wearing off and I was so uncomfortable. They had to keep coming in to adjust me and adjust the meds but it wasn't really helping. By 5am I was miserable and still barely 5cm. This went on all morning untill 1115 when they checked and I was still barely at 6.

When they told me that I knew exactly what was coming next because it has been going on 18 hours since my water broke. I broke down into hysterics as I DID NOT want surgery. They told me i oculd wait two more hours and see but at this right I knew it wasnt going to happen. Baby was also very displaced all the way to the left side. I talked to my mom and Ashley (who drove all night form pensacola to be there for me!) and decided to let them go ahead and prep for a c section but I couldnt use the epi because i could feel way too much. So there I sat in active labor, letting my epi wear off so I could get a spinal instead (though I begged them to just put me under). The second I agreed though the whole L & D floor was running around to prep me. But it was well over an hour before I headed for the OR which seemed to give me far too much time to think. I was exhausted, and starving and at this point I was even cut off from ice chips. Finally around 1 I headed for the OR to get the spinal. That took forever. I was weak and in so much pain and had so much pressure from her head. All I wanted to do was cry. It took well over 30 mins to get the spinal in (Dr. Yoder, the one doc name ill never forget) was a saint. once it was in I was still so nervous about feeling things but he reassured they'd never cut until they knew I was good. Finally, they let me mom in but apparently they had already cut me open. bless my mom through this all she has seen every awful inch of me right down to my insides. Within seconds of her sitting down next to me we heard crying.. well screaming. Our little Emma had a great set of lungs and a full head of hair! She was over 8lbs and it was then they realized and told me she probably would have never fit down the birth canal. I barely got to see her before the took her away but i cried tears f joy. It seemed like it took forever to finish the procedure which was apparently because I had lost alot of blood. i began to hemorrhage and was borderline needing a transfusion. I could here the suctioning and Im pretty sure I only didnt freak out because I was completely exhausted. Finally I could feel them tugging to sew me up.

At first all I could think of was eating but within minutes while getting ready to go to recovery I got super nauseous and started shaking. By the time they got me back to my room with my baby I was shaking so bad they had to hold me down and all I could do was watching other people hold my baby. I couldnt even talk because when i tried I just bit my tongue. Finally they got me meds to stop the reaction which was brought on from the loss of blood mixed with hormones and lots of meds and I could hold my sweet little angel.

i was so thankful to have my mom there for my recovery. I had a couple of breakdowns as I felt super useless to my daughter. I couldnt even get up to change her diaper in the hospital. This wasnt the recovery plan I had pictured but my mom was a lifesaver. When she left just shy of the 3 weeks mark all i could so was cry.

Now here we are at the one month mark and I cant believe its here already (and that shes slept through all this). She is an amazing little baby and weve learned some tricks on getting things done with just the two of us. I so miss Riley so very much and every day think about the day until he finally gets to meet our sweet baby girl. This morning she smiled a real smile for the first time and my heart just melted. I could seriously stare at this girl all day

False Alarms/ my letter to Emma

Well here we are just rapidly approaching our next D day (not due date although at this point thats not far off either). These few weeks have simply flown by and each passing day (with no real sign of Emma) has been bittersweet.  (While I appreciate the asking no they will not induce me and they will certainly not change his D date) We have has several close calls and some pretty serious contractions almost every night but alas no baby girl yet. Im trying so hard to keep it together and be strong for myself, for Emma and for Riley but its so hard not to breakdown. I want to scream about how unfair it is that we have to go through this, especially after just having gone through 6 months apart. I want to curl up in a ball and cry till I run out of tears. But instead i have to keep telling myself we were given this life because we can handle it, and we've overcome so many challanges so far that we will just keep getting stronger and stronger.

I decided since there is a pretty good chance at this point Emma will be waiting quite some time to meet her daddy I wanted to write something down I could read to her and we could smile and laugh about until we get to be a "real" family all together again.

My dear sweet little Emma,

Every night since your daddy got home we have been waiting for you to come and meet us. We both our so ready to hold you in our arms. Especially your daddy cause he was a little scared about touching you in my belly. But it seems, you must be alot like your daddy and you want to make us wait, so it will be a while till you get to meet him. You probably wont even realize it but I think about it all the time.  I promise you though, hes worth the wait.

Your daddy is an amazingly strong man who takes such good care of me and already takes such good care of you too. He helped mommy get everything ready for you. In the short time he was here, he made plenty of late night runs for ice cream and red velvet cake. He put together the swing you swing in, the bouncer you bounce in and carriage you ride around in. He helped mommy do so much to get the house ready for you.

My favorite thing about your daddy is how much he can make me laugh and how in the saddest of times he always manages to bring a smile back to my face. Hes wiped my tears, told me funny stories and always reminds me that everything will be ok. Im sure as you grow, he will do the same for  you. I promise to show you lots of pictures and tell you lots of stories, especially at bedtime so we can dream of him.

So for now its just me, you and your fur-brothers but trust me, we will be counting the days until your daddy is back home and we can make new memories together, but until then I wanted have something we could turn back to and look at, read, and remember to smile. We just have to remember its not his fault he cant be here. He has to go work somewhere else because hes just so good at what he does, but when its over he will comeback to us, forever this time.

We both love you so much already sweet Emma, and I want you to remember: your daddy is my hero, my strength, and my best friend, and I hope someday he is yours too.

So. Today I am updating from my new Google nexus that my dear sweet husband got me for my birthday :-)  I am loving it! I just downloaded the kindle app And all my books transfered. Can't wait to get some new ones! Well it was my birthday and it was nothing special but still pretty nice. I had dinner with some wonderful friends and now I'm impatiently awaiting the best gift ever I willy get tomorrow:-)

So as far as miss Emma is concerned she is certainly getting sound up and ready to meet us all. She gave us a good scare a few weeks ago where I ended up in l&d. I spent a lovely 6 hours there and after 3 bags of fluids and a couple of injections they were able to stop the contractions. Boy am I dreading real labor!!

Tomorrow we will officially be at 8 months! And next week we get to see our pretty little angel on an ultrasound for the first time in 16 weeks and it will be then first time daddy will be there for it :-)

I will update more soon but I can't believe how soon we will be getting to meet our precious little girl!!!

Third Trimester!

I keep telling myself i will post in this more but clearly im failing! However maybe ill have more luck this trimester. Im two weeks in and have just over 10 weeks left till we meet our little princess but hopefully less so daddy can meet her too! (as im typing this with my laptop propped up on my belly she keeps kicking it!)

Life has been crazy but I must say its going by pretty fast! Lets see first we had all the issues with the lawn and our neighbors. I couldnt believe how much I cried over that letter! Normally things like that have just been making me angry but I think I was also overtired after working all day then sitting through baby budgeting class. Which by the way was a pretty good class! got lots of tips, a great site for coupons and more free baby stuff (not that emma really needs more!)

Just after that our refrigerator died! How sad was I at 6 months preggo when i found all my ice cream melted :( So after sinking all this money into lawn maitnance and repairing our irragation system, we then had to buy a new fridge. We kept it pretty simple but im quite happy with our new fridge!

Ive also been trying to get other stuff done around the house, mostly in Emmas room getting clothes washed, stuff hung up, things put together and figuring out what I still need to get! But boy I can wait for her daddy to get home and he gets to put all the fun things together (i.e. the swing, bouncer,  highchair, carriage..)

I also just had my my 28 week appt and glucose test! Emmas heart beat was wonderful at 153 and i'm hoping no news is good news on the glucose test! I don't think i could cut sweets from my preggo diet and i certainly cant give myself insulin. I did talk to my doctor about my aching back and found out that my left hip bone has become mis-aligned and is tilted forward  and is actually making my left leg slightly longer then my right.. hence a very soar Kelly. He did an adjustment for me. The night i got it I was in so much pain I couldnt even fathom labor being worse but by the next morning I was great! I am very much looking forward to my next one!

so here I am at 29 weeks wearing basically only maternity clothes at this point (ok and rileys clothes when im just at home/ for bed) Im getting so so so excited to meet her but more importantly for Riley to be home! I miss that man like CRAZY!! Next week will be our 1 year wedding anniversary. Time has just been flying by. I cant wait for many more years to spend with him and our newly growing family! <3

Emma, Her Shower, and "feeling pregnant"

well I havent updated in forever. i have done some facebook posts which originally I was trying to stay away from for anyone who doesn't care for pregnancy type posts but if you don't care about Emma then too bad for you, don't read!

Well regardless we now know we have having a beautiful healthy baby girl! At least according to her anatomy scan. the doctor said everything looked great! I think Riley was a little sad and at times may still be holding out a little hope for a boy.. but I am beyond excited for our little princess :) Almost instantly Pink began to take over.

Finally the weekend before my shower we got her room painted in the most beautiful light pink color, matching it the best I could to her bed set. I am so happy with the way it came out. Though its not quite my dream vision from pinterest I LOVEE it!! I am super excited to get her furniture put together in there. It should be done by this weekend then all the fun of decorating and organizing begins!

This past weekend was her shower and all I can say is we are Lucky parents and Emma is one lucky spoiled little girl who is already loved so much. That closet you see there is already backed with shoes, clothes, hairbows and toys. Aside from everything we got at the shower we have had extra packages ariving from friends and family who couldnt be there and I feel so very blessed. I also feel our postman might think we are dealing in stolen goods but atleast some of the stuff is clearly for baby. Right now it looks like we are trying to move out the whole front of our house is filled with boxes.. but really its just emma moving in :)

Tomorrow we get the first half of the shipment of shower stuff. I cant wait to be able to go through it all.

Just about a day away from 25 weeks now and I feel like my belly is just starting to grow. I also feel as though its not growing fast enough for her. She is moving around and kicking like crazy these days. We've had some quiet spells but everything I've read said that they will be more laid back when they are growing. I also know she will be atleast doubling in size between 23 and 27 weeks. I love feeling every single little kick and flutter from her, even when they are uncomfortable. It makes me happy to know she's moving around and doing well! One day she was kicking so hard she kicked my phone right off my stomach!

I cant believe I am so close to my third trimester. The time is literally flying by. Atleast most days. But with that  being said the traditional pregnancy symptoms are starting to make their appearance. I already have been getting up in the middle of the night for a few months now for bathroom trips but now its getting harder and harder to be confortable. I've had my first few instances of really bad heartburn but oh by far the worst has been this newly discovered back pain. I thought it was just from traveling because it started after my first flight last weekend... but its not going away. By the time I get home from work I just want to stretch out and cry. I hope its not like this every day for the next three months... My other least favorite is when she sits or stomps just the right way around my bladder to make it feel like its about to explode. Oh its a good thing I already love you so much little miss Emma. But in happier news I also got to feel her hiccups for the first time. I was in the bathtub (attempting to ease the backpain) and my stomach seamed to be twitching I knew it was her but it was too fast to be kicks. It was a very enjoyable moment and it made me so excited for her to be here.

Just about 3 more months (but hopefully only 3 more months so Daddy will still be here)! :)

I will try to add more pictures once her room is slightly more put together!