i haven't blogged since Emma was less than 4 months old and SO much has changed. this is by far the toughest post i have ever written but i need to get it out. share it somewhere. hope that maybe it will reach someone that has had a similar experience and they can know they aren't alone. by the time most people see this (due to my break from social media) i will be moving along in the healing process.
so..here we go..
Monday march 30th I pee on a stick and get a pretty big surprise at what i see. positive 5 days before missed. i call for re-enforcement- more sticks- more positives. i break the news to Riley in a less than ideal manner when he gets home at 11pm. my excitement grows. so does his shock. but we move on. tell our immediately family. start joking about twin boys. picking names. making plans.
fast forward exactly two weeks later. happy 3rd anniversary to us! first one we get to spend "together"...I'm at work when i start bleeding a little. i burst into tears. call my doctor. must wait two hours. i let Riley know whats going on. he meets me at the OB. they bring us back to the ultrasound room. after what seemed like an eternity the tech said she didn't see anything but that doesn't mean anything yet.. I'm not a fool, i knew no matter what it wasn't good. tears return with a vengeance. doctor comes in to scan on her own. obviously another not good sign. she brings us back to a room where i am already inconsolable. the doctor tells me its an ectopic pregnancy... that my pregnancy is no longer viable. this is one of those things you read about but just assume it cant happen to you. she goes on to tell me it looks like the fetus is actually in my ovary, super rare even for ectopic pregnancies. they are immediately concerned with rupture and therefore I am admitted to the hospital at once. nothing is really processed yet, not even that my life is at risk. all i know is i am losing my baby. my heart is shattered into a thousand little pieces. my phone is dead so i cant even call my mom yet at this point. after an eternity .. or about 30 mins. i find myself in a room being monitored by the nurse from hell. we call her formaldehyde. heather has come to my rescue again to stay with me while Riley goes to pick up Emma and retrieve some basic belongings for me.
formaldehyde insists i need more blood drawn (though the doctor just did the about 45 minutes ago) and to start an iv.. which was never utilized. Riley returns with Emma and relieves heather for a bit who has so graciously agreed to spend the night so i wont be alone. Emma is although she doesn't act afraid is rather withdrawn from me and doesn't seem to care to be there. formaldehyde finally brings the Tylenol i kindly requested because 4 hours of crying has left me with an agonizing headache.
not long after they leave and before heather comes back, the night nurse (whom i love) comes in to tell me "the chemo nurses are here." now in the midst of my breakdown at the doctors office i heard her say they will treat me with methotrexate. i knew and was told nothing else about this. night nurse brings me a print out shortly before this time explaining what it was a set of injections, what it does and what the side effects are. still to this point no one and nothing has said ANYTHING about CHEMO!
i undoubtedly begin to have another breakdown.. chemo.. it was bad enough i knew what these injections were going to do.. but now this took it to a whole other level.. these two nurses.. were two of the sweetest ladies ever. one held my hand while the other administered an injection in each arm. the injections weren't bad at all in comparison to the hype of this all. but i hated knowing what it was doing to my body. i knew this was what i needed to save my organs from rupture and potentially save my life but that didn't make it even the tiniest bit easier. so i cried some more. at this point i am now "toxic". yellow signs are plastered on my door saying to use full precautions. you must double glove and sport an extra gown to attend to me..
I am so thankful for heather and her company to keep my distracted. finally around midnight out of pure exhaustion i begin to fall asleep. cue incompetent MA who cannot figure out my blood pressure which after 3 repeated attempts of propping me up in various positions was reading about 85/57. naturally i think I'm dying. really i was dehydrating but why would they actually put my iv line to use and give me fluids. nah. this happens again at 4am and again at 7am. at which point i no longer try to sleep.
i was told i was being brought back to my ob, who is connected to the hospital, to get my follow up ultrasound, at 845/9. they finally bring me down at 930. i go in for the ultrasound.. alone.. i instantly start crying again. this ultrasound tech.. and i will never forgive her.. during this scan turns on the sound.. and i heard the baby's heartbeat. after a lethal dose of "chemo" they still heard what they referred to as "the flicker". now this experience in itself brings a level of emotional pain i wish on no one. this that one single moment. was a game changer. i never saw an image of the baby but i heard it. and i will NEVER forget it. it also made my fear that the injections weren't working and i may need to have my whole ovary removed. the thought of that. i really cant explain the way it made me feel. but i am already fearing at this point i will never have another healthy pregnancy and never be able to complete my family.
at this point a new doctor comes in to talk to me. i cry alot but she makes me pull it together. she tells me the scar tissue, most likely from my lovely navy c-section has pushed my ovary and tube closer together and it was hard to see clearly. so my thought, though the never came out and said it to me at the time was that the tissue has caused my tube to basically be crushed not letting eggs out of the ovary. i ask about the future, she tells me not to worry "you still have another" (this post will be followed by one entitled 5 things not to say to a woman going though an ectopic pregnancy.) but. i can go home.
first i must sit out in the waiting room with all the happy pregnant people so that i can be returned to my stale hospital room via the labor and delivery unit. thanks fat man pushing my wheel chair.. back to formaldehyde. where is took my another 5 hours to finally be released. by this point i am emotionally and physically drained. i am thankful for Emma's Mimi who not only brought me home, let me shower, got us dinner, stayed till Emma went to bed and watched some greys with me. i contemplated work the next day but that just wasn't happening. i still couldn't face anyone. i couldn't discuss this out loud. i couldn't even bring myself to call my mom who i talked to every single day. i felt so empty and alone.
not until my follow up on Friday when they were able to confirm it was not in my ovary but actually in my tube did i feel some relief. i was finally able to reach out, to my mom at least and utter some of these words out loud. it didn't change my situation i was in but hearing her say this was a "fluke thing" and not caused by some unknown condition, i felt a little sense of relief. i have a 90% chance of having a normal pregnancy next time. which i have to wait at least 3 months for. more than that for sure.
nothing can prepare you to deal with an ectopic pregnancy. nothing takes away the hurt. nothing anyone says can truly comfort you. nothing can really help you get over it except perhaps time. there will always be that empty little space in my heart for this baby. there will be many hard days especially when december rolls around and there is no round belly and christmas baby delivery.. but for now i will pray, read some books about dealing with losses and appreciate all i do have just a little bit more.
